It's a Pleasure to meet you. My name is Gina.

At work, we've just completed a huge project. It took three people all month to do. The whole thing was due today. Pressure was high as time had run out. My lessons where holding up delivery. My Mind started with it's usual drone of how much I stink at life and how many people will suffer cause my work is so bad. "if you deleted those files there will be no audio for the lesson and there's no way to rerecord now."
How did I let things get so tangled up? I asked myself as I try to discover why work from one lesson is in the folder of another.
"because you so F)(#ing retarded" rang out as my usual response to such a mental inquiry.
Time stopped. This rather commonplace action caused the layers of self to dissolve. This aspect: the part of me that calls the whole retarded was at once the objective of countless lenses. I began to witness the brain trying to limit the being into an identity: a retarded one at that. This aspect was shown just how vast a being it was trying to limit. I witnessed the brain trying to limit the I I am. Then I witness the witnessing, and witnessed this and so on, for about six or so levels. The aspect of my brain crashed. I felt it. At that point I began to choke: I could not breath.

The world is Unprecedentedly vast. The mind cannot comprehend the vastness of it all. From the depths of the sea to the reaches of space. Consciousness is that. Consciousness is also, the lowest of the lowly things of the world you know. The most amazing thing is that Consciousness is that AND is that also. This sounds odd but it's true. The song of the Nahddam sings a tale of epic expanses where participation, anticipation and fruition happen simultaneously. In the silence I hear it. I'm not called away by a pied piper, I return to that which is. It is only my limits which cease. Only limitation is limited. Consciousness is beyond limitation, and I am that. And Consciousness is greater still.

Did you see what I saw? I turned on the TV for the first time in almost ten years. When I did I saw a black man behind the president-elect podium! Then I saw black man arm and arm with a white man as they greeted their voters as the new presidential administration. I saw the manifestation of every flower-child and hippy: of every person who stood beside MLK and Malcolm-X. I saw gay folks transfolks, Jewish folk Christian folk and maybe even fairy folk coming out in droves to be folks asking for a change in the was the American government works. I saw the realization of a lifetime's worth of dreams. Did you see what I saw?

Hello everyone! I'm finally back to the internet after moving. This are finally somewhat settled and I'm now making progress towards my new life. I'm looking into programs for my web site design company and have FINALLY connected to the web. I'm hoping the high energy of my this place is not bogged down by my additive habits and poor self image. But it shouldn't be. My sempei has already taught me a great deal about living healthy and how to dress well not S(*%&ky Bright stars bring me now to my home :)

So apparently you can you the LJ chat program to Post to your LJ. Makes sense really but since I don't have anyone's LJ chat name and have never used it I didn't really think it was possible. It just goes to show... Anything is possible. I'm...starting ...to...get..scared..  (you don't have to respond thanks for just reading) In one week I will be out of work and have to find clients and have them pay me to build a web site for them even though I have no legal software to do so, no recent experience, and no help. I'll need to compete with every big boy web hosting service, and all the big fish in the area. I have no start up cash, no savings and am so exhausted, it'll be amazing if I can even function for the first three weeks. I'm moving in with my teacher who is nice enough to take me in for a fair rent. Living with him will allow me to get my Sh*# together but it mean a complete de-tox. Not to mention the fact that I can't even be pessimistic cause you'll yell at me. So that means I need to take responsibility and will my life into reality. Which would be fine but my energy is so low I keep getting caught up in drama, which isn't helping. So I think my teacher should prepare for a good two-three weeks of me being a COMPLETE loser with no ability to pull her weight (the S*&t ton of it that it is) what-so-ever before finally throwing me the H#ll out cause taking care of those who can't support themselves is NOT how he rolls and would totally not put up with that so I'm F)(*ing doomed cause I'm not going to have any money or future.  heeeh heeeh heeeh...   Why can't just skip it and go Home?

I think this is pretty self-explanatory... the new owners of LJ really do NOT get it yet. Perhaps a little dent in their posting statistics might make them notice.... the other action I like the idea of is EVERYONE adding "Anti-censorship" to their interests, seeing if it could get into the top interests!



The one-day content strike is on for this Friday, March 21, from midnight GMT to midnight GMT.

For 24 hours, we will not post or comment to LJ. Not in our own journals, not in communities. Not publicly, privately, or under friends-lock.

This is a protest that will have long-lasting effects, showing up forever in the daily posting statistics.

This is a protest that will not harm LJ in the long run, as leaving LJ might do.

This is a protest that will demonstrate the power of community, as all users unite to support Basic users, the concept of adfree space, and our right to enjoy any interests we choose.

This is a protest that will educate the new owners that LJ is driven by user-created content.

How Can You Help?

DO post about this in your own LJ.
DO post and comment about it in appropriate communities.
DO turn off LoudTwitter and your RSS feeds for 24 hours.
DO feel free to friend me for updates, and defriend when the strike is over.

DON'T forget to get permission from community mods before making an off-topic post or comment about the strike.
DON'T be spammy with your posts or comments about the strike.
DON'T forget to turn your LoudTwitter and RSS feeds back on when the strike is over.

Appropriate Times

The 24-hour strike will begin at the following times for the following locations:

Thursday, March 20, 2:00 PM -- Honolulu
Thursday, March 20, 4:00 PM -- Anchorage
Thursday, March 20, 5:00 PM -- San Francisco; Los Angeles
Thursday, March 20, 6:00 PM -- Mexico City; Denver
Thursday, March 20, 7:00 PM -- Chicago
Thursday, March 20, 8:00 PM -- Montreal; New York
Thursday, March 20, 9:00 PM -- Buenos Aires
Midnight -- London
Friday, March 21, 1:00 AM -- Paris
Friday, March 21, 2:00 AM -- Istanbul
Friday, March 21, 3:00 AM -- Moscow
Friday, March 21, 4:00 AM -- Dubai
Friday, March 21, 5:00 AM -- Islamabad
Friday, March 21, 6:00 AM -- Bangladesh

Why Are We Striking?

We are holding the Content Strike because we want the new owners of LiveJournal to better understand the power and resolve of the LJ Community of Users.

We are holding the Content Strike because all of us, Paid, Permanent and Plus users as well as Basic, want to demonstrate our solidarity as a Community of Users. We do not consider Basic users to be freeloaders, we consider them to be valuable content-providers and Friends.

We are holding the Content Strike because we ache to do something to show our displeasure, and commenting on the [info]news post -- even with cat macros -- just isn't powerful enough!

The strike has four terms:

1. Restore basic accounts for new account creation.

2. Inform users before any change to the site that affects how we use the site or demands on our resources.

3. Run change proposals by the Advisory Board and take their advice into account before implementation of any change.

4. Homophobia, misogyny, and racism must not be a part of the decision making processes about appropriate content of the site, including what user interests are deemed appropriate.

NOTE: We are aware that there may be good business decisions for eliminating Basic accounts. If Basic accounts are to be eliminated, though, that action should be taken only after approval of the Advisory Board and consultation with the LJ Community of Users.

Will This Make Any Difference?

The protests are making a difference. Within the last three hours (as of 3pm March 17, '08), the censored interests have been restored! If you look at the Popular Interests page, you will once again see the formerly filtered "fanfiction", "depression", "bisexuality" -- even "faeries". LiveJournal is once again presenting its true face to the world, not a sanitized blandness.

Please continue to spread the word about the Content Strike. We are not merely consumers. We are a Community of Users, and we will be heard.

LiveJournal Content Strike, Friday, March 21, midnight to midnight GMT.
No posts. No comments. No content.

Having lived in Sin for many-a- year I can now attempt to summarize and create a tool to reduce sin in ones life. I'm writing this. So the views and beliefs are in fact those of the establishment. =^_^=

Sin= acting in a manor that is know to YOU as not something God would want from YOUr perspective.

Homeostasis= an inherent ability for the human being to maintain a set point for a chemical level found in the body. i.e. sahratonin( forgive the butchered spelling), dopamine or any other hormone or chemical.

Sin is born of the inherent desire we have to become more than what we are. This desire will ultimately get us home to God and is - on to itself- good. From this desire stems a need to raise the homeostatic set points and therefore, raise the overall energy of the being: getting it closer to God. This is the body's logic and this is why the body has a brain..to tell it this idea won't work.

The theory is sound but with out proper guidance from a mind inline with God, the body will seek to raise the set points blindly. The problem comes in when the body is successful at raising homeostatic set points higher than normal operation can allow. It takes a clear channel with God to raise all set points as needed, when needed. If the mind is away from god, the body will raise one set point but not the others. This created unbalance thereby throwing the being off the mark or into "Sin" as the original word implies.

The hang up is, now the set point for dopamine let's say is too high for real life. So the body (by consistent and clever suggestion) seeks to bring the levels back to the set point and unknowingly further unbalances the life. It seeks anything to raise the level back to the set point and feels there is something wrong. This pain results in disparity which leads to rash decitions. This unbalance lowers the overall energy levels restating the cycle and making the problem worse.

This tool will help show the nature of Sin which allows one to become aware. The mind can manually readjust the set points to a level that is achievable with normal activity. and thereby default make life more "enjoyable"

Hope this helps someone...

I write this lying in bed. I've sinned again and I'm not prod of it. I find public confession to be much more effective than with a priest.

I used to lay here and rack my brain as to why I would fail God. The one being who is helping out of this mess. I would hurt myself and hate myself and Triumphantly tell the Lord that would never do that again.

I'm done hating myself: even in sin. It's amazing what one evening with Teacher will show you. The things she said cleared away my ability to hate myself. I should be so lucky as to return such a boon.

But I'm still sad that I'm here: that I'm writing this.

I'm sorry Lord, and I'm sorry friends for being so blind to my own salvation. I know that I am stressed. Stress drains off energy, which lowers frequency, which in-turn makes you resonate with and even attract unhelpful, low energy frequencies. I also know that grounding aligns you with helpful energies and raises your being to a level that you can rid your self of Sin and vice. But i seam to be having more than I should be having with the simple measure to prevent sin: grounding.

I was thinking a lot about easter. The resurrection of Christ-God of heaven and everything else. These past few weeks I've had to personally cast stones at Christ and kill him as we all do. For he hath no sin MAY cast the first stone, but as a race we cast them often without right. We sin, and pass judgment on others without knowing the whole story. These past few weeks I've seen the Lord of all come to me and literally pull the death from my eyes and place it in his own that it should be satisfied, and attached completely. I then saw a new Christ appear unaffected. You can tell me you don't believe in Christ. I can respond by stating that if I went by you logic, I would not believe in Japan. I've never seen it, and the only evidence I have are books written by man of a land that existed thousands of years ago and supposedly exists today as a modern metropolis this farce is blustered by thousand of brain washed morons that think they've seen the people of Japan or even claim to be a person of Japan. I get stuff "from Japan" all time, its got a funny language written on it and everything. Lies! It's made in Chicago shipped to me and has funny words on it. Until I go to Japan, I don't believe in it. Hey, if Japan wants to exist it will come to me.

This wholly ridiculous mind set is how people everywhere look at God and faith. I've seen Christ die for ME. Then I saw him come back fine. No one can do that. it wasn't past Christ or future Christ, Christ only exists in the now so that means he died my death and came back from it. Now I am able to go home and be free and there I am at home telling my friends of the Glory of the God of Heaven: whether this is news to them or not.

Resurrection: a Making new of that which was dead.



Alcatraz Prison.

This place of evil and sin is now beautiful and lush. It's a museum to the past and a source of lessons for us all. God lives and all things can be repaired, even his Church.

Even the darkest of places from the past can be resurrected by God.


This is Auschwitz as it exists today: bet you've never seen it in color, least of all green right?

"The entrance to the administration building, which now houses a cafe, bookstore, currency exchange, post office, left luggage room, toilets, movie theater, and a hotel, as well as the offices of the museum administrators. Without a guide, most visitors would never guess that this building was once where the incoming prisoners to the Auschwitz main camp were registered, bathed, disinfected, tattooed, shaved and then given a blue and gray striped prison uniform to wear. In December 1942, there were 19 delousing chambers installed in this building, where the prisoner clothing was disinfected in an attempt to stop the typhus epidemic which had started in July 1942"


Are these places havens for negativity and bad memories? Yes, but that's only because we refuse it's resurrection. No one is mass murdered here anymore. If we live in and accept the now we will live in a place where death cannot fallow; for Christ is with us.



The hopeless Tower of London... same deal


I show these places because they have been saved by God who as literally been through hell and back. He did that so we don't have to. So if you find yourself in H#ll, just look for the cross Christ left behind: it's there, and it's the way out.

This is a real as Japan. Believe it: or not

The New calendar year is upon us. New years passed rather uneventfully save for a bit of wonder that occurred right at midnight in the form of my alarm going off, when I didn't set it at all. I thank God for connecting me with the amazing.

I'm trying to capitalize on the fact my body actually wants to be healthy. I go to McD's, look at the menu and leave. I'm not forcing myself away as in the past, but I leave now willingly. addiction brings me back, but I just leave again because I don't want to eat there. mystiqueneko and I have agreed to join "The Y" This will grant access to an elliptical which had wonderful results last year. There's also a pool, track, and a gym. There's a place with internet access for mystiqueneko to occupy herself until I can get there after work. The down side is that I will need to go in slave dress. working out in a wig is just well, unhealthy. I also need to come from work so there's not time to get right.

I'm now changing more apparently. My breasts push and puff my cloths out further than my stomach can. You now first see them . For the first time since 1995, I tried on a pair of jeans. I bought a pair with an old gift card, matched it up with my usual size and took them away. I decided on a whim to try them first without the use of my "butt pants" (hip and butt enhancing underwear). With some bit of awkwardety I slipped them on me to find my guess about size was correct. I looked upon the mirror to see my reflection... and saw a girl standing there. I stuffed no bras, padded no hips, nor wore a particle of make up, but there stood a girl. I saw hips! They were the correct shape if somewhat flat. Breasts rounded out my chest and hid my all too large belly. I'm still not sure what to make of it but it right. I welcome more change if it be condusive to my true form and the will of God.

( Read more... )

This is the year it ends. Through the grace of God i will be at home in this year and all years.

I saw this and squeeed all over the place. I'm still squeeing It's ALL PINK!
An entier Kitchen in my favorite color! ::looks a little too excited:: That's hot.

Lately I have begun to feel the "symptoms" of Gender Identity Disorder. My very skin and form feel...wrong: like they don't fit. Parts are too big: the signals make it to my muscles but they are not mine. This is likely what it is like to pilot the Eva. The body almost doesn't matter anymore. When I'm alone, or at random times, I feel my body changing I know this is right but everything feels different. Even english sounds foriign even though I know what the words mean. I hear the words come out of my mouth but I'm not sure how I knew what to say. It sounds the same when I hear the anime characters speak Japanese. I almost know what they are saying even though I have no clue what most of the words mean. My mind and body reach for their old addictions; self stimulation, fat. sugar..but they no longer do what they did. But now I am left, over-carbed, over-fat and in Sin but Still uncomfortable. Some times I want to rip off my own skin and leap out to freedom. But what am I leaping from if I'm the launch point?

My on-the-job-girl-containment-field is under stress. People tell me good news and I feel so happy for them: I wanna say YAY! and clap for them. When I feel strongly about something, I have to work hard not to be too enthusiastic with my mannerisms and speech Yet, when someone pi$$es me off I don't care anymore.

The longing for home is more real now then ever. I look around through what may be eyes that are not identified with anything, and see my options ..... and I don't want any of them. But I'm so dismally unsuccessful in my current state, doing things like quitting my job to embrace freelance ID or web development work is just stupid. The debt that I'm in demands high volumes of money every month. The job market ain't exactly flowing over out there either.

Something is calling me. Something ancient and more than any of us. It's familiar, like I knew it a long time ago but the memory has been disconnected. Something keeps coming to attention but I'm uncertain if it is safe. It had something to do with me a long time ago. Something terrible happened and I was separated from the situation which is how I came to be here. Bare in mind that This is not from a past life. I know that. I don't know how. Also, I don't have any true memories other that what I've recorded while here. There are some things, but they are not solid. Still, something calls. There's more to this but I cannot say, not the least of which is here. I met each of you for a reason. If I was to help you and that was it then you'd've gone by now. So A) I've not helped you yet, or you're here to help me. I don't know what to ask of any of you, but I thank god that you are all here.


are you siLL THERE?

I've been here so many times. Some times I've jumped, sometimes I've built sophistocated ladders to walk down. Other times I've Just gone around. I found a contact at work who hadle Trans freaks like me. She has already found loads of great info for me. But now I'm at the ledge again. She says now that She need proof she can trust me: thinks I'm a reporter. She wants me to send her an interoffice e-mail. that will giver her a lot about me. my legal name, place of employ, number: loads of stuff. She says she won't tell.

Do I trust her? ::as a pebble falls off the ledge::

Do I jump and basically tell work (though not really) even though I risk being "outted" before I'm ready? If I don't trust her I'll be HARD pressed to find the info she just has.

::looks out over the world:;

I want to go home

I have not ability to create art. I have no way to express how I feel. I have no outlet for my frustration, my joy, my sorrow, my longing. I have to voice I have no ability to draw, nor paint, or sculpt. I sing but when it comes down to singing with feeling, I just can't do it. I know my voice is wrong and I can't get it to where I need it to be. I have so much love, so much desire, so much love for the people I love, who don't love me and likely won't ever. Even if they did, It would never work out. I'm going to a place where these people cannot follow. Before I was ok to do this, but now there's emotion. I've not experienced it before. I actually care about what happend to me, and to others now. I have not owth way to express my love for you: the ones I love. You how have moved on or simply don't even know me. The girl from Fl who is one of these people about which I now write has so much ability to create and draft, and bring forth from nothing things that have never before existed. She dreams when she sleeps and awakes with a brand new story of epic scale and elegant detail. She sits at home and while watching TV she draws out an image of playful, joyous, peaceful, sexuality. Not dirty, or sinful but adorable and happy. Her ability to express how she feels is so acute, she makes her living from it. I love her so much. I've been trying to tell her that for a while, but since I have to way to express myself, it hasn't been working. Or may be it has, and she just doesn't need that.

"I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end is doesn't even matter. I had to fall: to lose it all but in the end it doesn't even matter.

I made and AMV once. It was an independent study project. I pored every last ounce of creative energy I had into the project. I was at the peak of my ability to edit video, and spent hours on it correcting and perfecting it. It S)(*ked. I submitted my work to an contest for AMVs. It didn't even make the first round of cuts: didn't even show up at the contest.

So you had one thing that didn't make it. So what I'm sure that girl you keep whining about put up loads of things and got rejected.

Right, but she is able to go back and try again, with so other thought, some other whim. and come up with something just as good or better.

And you're not ?


No. I tried. No matter what I tried I couldn't even come out with something as good as the thing that S)(*&ed. So I said so what I'm not an artist. I studied hard, worked my A$$ off and became a master of Science. But it's just a title. I have no skill as an ID. and all that an ID does is apply the doctrine of a model to a set of data. If this then this. The art part comes from other people. My job pays me money to apply the model to their data cause I have the title. I tried to branch off at work take on other things. I edit their video, but that happens very rarely. Just no demand for it.

It's the same way with her. She's such a bright star so frequencaticly different from me that although it's likely she hears me. There is no demand for love from someone like me. Do I give up then? chalk it up to another girl that I love who will never love me back and get on with...whatever it is I do? I don't know. I've just been wanting to sing for her. sing my heart out that she may catch it. But My voice can't reach the notes. and I'm so reluctant to try and sing cause I can hear how bad it is. It's not right: it's not gonna help me.

I remember the girl from TX. she sang to me, or near me anyway all along a new years day. The song echoed through almost 10 years, and made me think of something beautiful. Often how I would weep at the comparison between what I was and what I thought of when that song in my head would play.

I try to write poetry for her. Can't. it's campy and dry, and can't begin to express how I feel.

I even tried to draw a picture. But even I couldn't tell what it was supposed to be when I was done. Then I remembered I can't even legibly write my own name.

The worst part is, even if I succeed. 1) she lives in FL 2) I can't marry or create permanency. why is between God and I. So what the #ll good am I to a mate? In HS it was cool, everyone has 17 mates it just didn't matter. now, everyone it looking for their wife. Or they seek ,unattached, drained- of- love, often dirty sex. which is not me either.

If that girl from FL ever reads this..

"Said I told that I love you. And there aint no more to say"

I've taken the first step towards informing work of my transition. A good friend of mine went to Pride Fest in Philly a short time ago. There she found a Booth for my employer. The contact for transitioning people was at the booth and he gave my friend his company e-mail address. I drafted a short but heart-felt e-mail to him and have just sent it off. I want to go home.

I appear to need contact with other people on a consistent bases to feel at peace and not feel the drive of addiction. It's as if a mind has to be there to not identify with in order to not identify with a mind. In other words. I can disidentify with my mind and yours but only if your around. Otherwise I wind up identified with some form or another. This is not the case all the time. that what is so confusing. Most of the time I am. but if There is no one around me (like my roommate is out for the night or if I'm in a hotel I immediately and intensely identify with form. I become a victim, a character, a hero, a this or a that. This creates a culture for action on addiction, sadness, and apparently self analysis. History has shown that If I'm left alone, stressed, deprived of sleep, and eat McDonalds for 6 months, I go insane. But how much of that insanity was derived from living alone? Am I addicted to people? Is it really my need for people that drive me to the other addictions so I can get help? This is the last great mystery of my mind. Repressed trangenderness was used as a catchall before I did what I did but now this is really why I'm nuts.

I believe I am experiencing what humans call "being emotional" I have currently experienced 2146 independent emotions over the corse of the last three hours.I have decided to catalog the thoughts or memories the emotions are using as a base for existence. Such a catalog will allow me to better locate that to which I have identification.

As I've discovered early on in the transition, Only my mind is structured like Data's I am the timeless now that is beyond all that thought can bring.

I am however experiencing one of my first times of being emotional. I'm afraid, angry, sad, randy as H#LL, and lonely all at the same time. I make you..hungry. The notion of food however spurs guilt cause I'm unhealthy.

I look at all of this from a state of being and therefore I am at peace, watching all of this emotion. Being a girl is not more emotional than being a guy, the emotions are just more connected to the body and mind then they where. This is an important piece of information to remember. It will save me from acting "hysterical"

So I've engaged in my typical addictions today. Once again that which has plagued me my whole life is back. Despite all I've learned about being, self, and the falsities of the mind. I know the mind makes junk up to keep you identified, keep you sad so you keep feeding it energy I know that every thought I have that says 'do this thing you don't really want to do" is false and as two dimensional as the screen I'm now using. I've seen the fuel for my addictions become nothing more than pixels on the screen and felt the grip the images once had on me fade. Yet. I am still here writing this, cause I'm gone through the motions again. I go out to eat, and other things I do not because I should but because it's an addiction. But If I have the knowledge and the ability to succeed, why do I keep failing?

It is because I'm still identified with the feeling of completion, the "satisfaction" one gets from doing these things. ... That's not it. I can disillusion all of those things.
Then why?
There is still pain in my life. Deeply entrenched This pain causes stress, the stress causes the body to react with an unrelenting need to stimulate testosterone, a natural antidepressant. The release creates a physical as well s emotional addition. cry, pray, repeat.
So where is the pain?
I want to love without being attached. I want to be out of all this debt, I want my roommate to get her act together, I am female but I don't look like it unless i put 2-3 hrs worth of work in and then I'm still ugly. Therapist says it's time to cut bait with waiting and move on even though I still have facial hair. It's too ugly, and not at all what I wanted. But if I don't then I go around living the lie I've been living. I'm not a man, I don't act like one, nor do I feel like one. I feel beaten, and ugly. But being and presence show me I'm none of those things, but I am. I have to go. I have to be who I am. It's the same decision i made two years ago...
If I go out without doing like zenboiuke told me, they just see a ugly man in girls clothing, "freak" "pedophile" He can't use the girls bathroom, he's just a man dressed up like that to go in the grils bathroom to look up skirts: what a sicko. Arrest HIM, or worse wait'll he gets to the parking lot and beat HIS a$$.
It's lies, I'm ok really. My parents put that kind of fear in me: paranoia THEY
But I sustain it. I have the ability to get beyond these thoughts, but I never do do I.
WHERE'S THE F)(*#KING PROBLEM!!!
I don't wana die, i wnaa live the way I wana live